Born in the USA by Alan Catlin
“Clancy and I were out deer hunting up in the hills, North of Berne, minding our own business, doing what millions of hard working, honest, taxpaying, licensed to hunt, citizens do every day. Unlike many of these so called ‘red blooded’ Americans, we were well into our third joint of excellent Colombian grass, still, we were washing it down with Coors Light, so everything was A OKAY.
We hadn’t bothered a single soul, living or otherwise, when all of a sudden, we’re assaulted by a troop of crazy, wide-eyed antihunter types, stomping through the woods and carrying on, like a rogue boy scout troop zeroing in on some Brownies. I never saw so many certifiable lunatics carrying air horns before in my life, making more noise than a home crowd of Dallas Cowboy fans in a sudden death overtime game against the 49ers.
I suggested to this guy, who looked as if he might harbor some latent leadership tendencies, if he thought he was more than a little crazy making all that noise in amongst all those trees, crawling with heavily armed, extremely serious, dedicated sharp shooting, good ole boy hunters. He gave me his best “No comprende?” look so I decided to explain the facts of life to him in simple English:
You know, accidents happen all the time in the woods. Sometimes even mass accidents. What with all these inexperienced geeks coming up from the City, shooting anything that moves, anything could happen.
Now, take my partner over there, he’d be more than happy to blow your brains out. Not that he’d actually do it. On purpose, that is.
Actually, only facing ten to twenty is stopping him right now. Personally, ten to twenty, doesn’t mean that much to me. I’m not married and I don’t have two kids like he does. All, I’ve got going for me is a dead end job I hate, a couple of car payments and an itchy trigger finger. You know, I’ve even been told that I have severe antisocial tendencies. At least, that’s what the last company shrink said before I scared her three shades of white with some really serious shit.”
Well, that sucker turned real pale in a hurry. Maybe, it was something I said. I don’t know, I’m told I have that effect on people sometimes. Nothing personal, a man’s just got to do what he’s got to do. I always pride myself on being a real straight shooter, you know what I mean?
It turned out to be a real nice day for hunting in the long run, after our little story telling session with the antihunter types. We didn’t see a whole lotta of game but it sure was nice and quiet.”